integrity and sincerity.

Now Playing: Come Into My Head by Kimbra (I want to show you what I really mean, but you're always on the outside looking in)

My facebook and email name is different to my real name.

Just the spelling. I prefer the orthodox spelling of my name to the spelling on my birth certificate. I think it looks prettier. But because I've been known by 'my' spelling of my name for, ya know, sixteen years now...some things stick. My best friends resolutely refuse to spell it any other way.

And so I can always tell when someone's trying to claim to be my friend when they don't really know me at all. They always spell it wrong, when they send me messages trying to make peace or deny that they've hurt me. If you can't even remember how to spell my name and get fooled by a username, how can you claim to be my friend? Even a friend I haven't seen for years wasn't conned.

I've never been very good at keeping my own secrets. I...I have to talk. Not to anyone and everyone, but there are - were - a few people I really thought I could trust. If someone tells me anything in confidence I can take it to the grave, but it seems like other people don't have that kind of sincerity. Integrity is not the rule, it's the exception. Everyone's telling me a different story and I don't know who to trust anymore.

Everyone seems to lack integrity. There's no sincerity in anything anyone says anymore. Nobody can give me a straight answer to anything, and nobody seems to have any qualms over telling my secrets to anyone and everyone.

You can't blame me for any of this. Hostility is a learned response. I'm tired of being stabbed in the back, being told what to do, not being able to trust anyone. If you think that I don't know exactly what you say and do and think behind my back then you are dreaming. You can't claim to be my friend if you let me down, if you can't say an apology straight, if you hide behind excuses and social convention, if you can't even spell my fucking name right.