Pain.

Now Playing: Fix You by Coldplay (when you're too in love to let it go)

My pacemaker was being a pain on and off for the whole day today.

Pain...pain is humbling. It reminds you that you're human - that you're not infallible and you're not invincible.

But pain, for me, is mostly humiliating. It's mostly frustrating. If you ever see me randomly break down into tears after an episode it's not because the pain is too much to bear - it normally passes quickly - it's because I'm just so tired of it, so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Pain should have a purpose. To tell you don't do this, do that, don't touch that, don't go near that. Or the pain of bringing forth a new life, Or the pain of something broken mending and healing.

...my cardiologist told me that my pain would be 'annoying', but that there as nothing they can do and it doesn't really serve much purpose. It doesn't mean something's wrong and it doesn't mean something's getting better. It doesn't respond to painkillers and sometimes it doesn't respond to heat, either. I can go days without feeling a thing and go days feeling like my insides are going to tear up at any minute.

For those of you who wonder what's happening when I suddenly stop and cry out, it is kind of like getting stabbed and punched in the same spot, but from the inside. Or like a razor sharp wire cutting into you...also from the inside. Or every time you breathe in your chest feels like it's pressing against knives.

Yeah. Good times.