Now Playing: Both of Us by B.o.B ft. Taylor Swift (why so shallow? I'm just asking - what's the pattern to the madness?)
We live in a society where loving yourself is stigmatized.
I put this down to six things: the tall poppy syndrome which has infected Australian society, our pursuit of impossible perfection, our suppression of aesthetic expression and pleasure, the superficial image of love as depicted in popular culture, the glorification of normality and the fear of individuality, and our inability to acknowledge and celebrate how much we care about ourselves and each other.
The tall poppy syndrome is a social phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are resented, attacked, cut down or criticized because their talents or achievements elevate them or distinguish them from their peers. In Australia, this happens for a variety of reasons. The first is that we live in a hierarchical society despite all the 'classless' propaganda that is churned out - the idea of a meritocracy, where people are valued by innate talents and hard work, threatens whatever birthright people claim to have. It is the basis of xenophobia and discrimination against immigrants; because many 'true blue Aussies' think they are deserving of so many rights and privileges because of the purely arbitrary geographical location of their birth. The second is that our society doesn't value talents - or some talents, anyway - and there is so much emphasis on personal appearance, contacts, family background, wealth, etc. The third reason is jealousy - I don't know many people who are jealous of Brad Pitt or Taylor Swift because I don't know many people who are on first-name basis with Brad Pitt or Taylor Swift, but I know a lot of people who are jealous of the numbers I get on my English papers. When you know someone their talents are perceived as a direct threat to your place in society, because sometimes your achievements pale in comparison. But the most important reason is that we attribute, mostly falsely, things like selfishness or greed or vanity to these people who are just simply polishing up a few God-given gifts.
Our pursuit of impossible perfection is driven by our image-crazy society, and by the increasingly absurd images that are projected by mass media. We think that what is impossible is possible, and that we don't look like supermodels because we're not trying hard enough. My favourite line is 'there are no ugly women, only lazy ones' - no. There are no ugly women, and there are no beautiful women, either. Beauty is a myth. But the problem with this pursuit of impossible perfection is that when someone says that they are beautiful, people think that what they're saying is that they're 'perfect' - and when they are not, by our standards, they're branded liars. Personal best is no longer 'the best' - being the best of the best isn't 'the best', either. Being the best has become a feat of impossibility, but without the sense that you are the best you can be, you cannot love yourself. You cannot have self love when you feel that you are constantly in a state of mediocrity. We impose mediocrity on ourselves to prevent ourselves from loving who we really are. We forget that being 'beautiful' or being 'the best' doesn't mean that you're infallible and flawless; no human being can ever claim that. We forget that you don't have to subscribe to the social constructions of beauty or perfection to love yourself.
The schoolyard and the workplace - the places where we spend most of our lives - are anaesthetic environments. They switch us off - we go into automatic pilot, far too often. We forget the joy of seeing, hearing, feeling. The senses - sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch - we forget about them, and then when they are indulged in aesthetic environments it freaks the crap out of us. We teach our children that the natural instinct to touch and cuddle is 'clingy', and when they grow older that sexual intimacy is 'wrong'. People who cannot be anaesthetised by pure social conformity are drugged and diagnosed with ADHD or a host of other 'mental disorders' - when most of them really only have one 'disorder', and that is being human. We think that there is something 'right' about being a machine, being a robot, without indulging our emotions or our sense - and we think that there is something 'wrong' with being human. Self love is an aesthetic thing - it invokes powerful emotions and feelings - it invokes what is stigmatized and shunned by a society hellbent on making us fall asleep rather than waking us up.
Love is portrayed in popular culture as something superficial. The ability to love and to be loved in return is something that is put down to some bizarre cause and effect - if you have this and not that people will love you. What I've learned is that love is irrational - it doesn't matter what people look like or what they do. Self love is like that, too - love isn't about perfection, or turning a blind eye to faults and flaws - it is about embracing what isn't perfect and accepting it for what it is. We can't explain the appeal of a prince and the royal lifestyle because there isn't any appeal in it - a crown on someone's head shouldn't, to any rational person, make them any more or less appealing/sexy/lovable/desirable, and yet somehow in our fucked up society it does. When we lack the superficial qualities of beauty and status, we think we are unworthy of love in any form - including our own love.
None of us are 'normal'. I'm definitely not normal - and believe me, I've bloody tried. Normality is vastly overrated - why must we try to be the 10% of ourselves that we happen to have in common with other people? Why is the 90% of you that makes you uniquely you bad or inferior? We stigmatize individuality because we don't understand why people endeavour to be different - and more importantly, we don't understand people who are different because they can't help it. Being 'normal' is only being 10% of everything you could be - 'normal' people are less than half of human. But nonetheless when we try and fail to be normal, or when we try and fail to suppress individuality, we don't love ourselves.
The number of times I have heard people say 'I don't care' or 'I don't really have much opinion on that' is absurd. We all care, and we all have opinions - that's why we vote, we write, we speak and converse and broadcast ourselves. If we didn't have that we'd all have no qualms about jumping off cliffs, and we wouldn't give a damn if anyone else jumped off a cliff. To care and to have opinions is the core of being human. And we do care, and we do have opinions - and as a result of this this has emerged in our disturbing and unhealthy celebrity cult, where we indulge in unethical paparazzi to find out everything about celebrities and criticize their every move. We care so much about what other people are doing people are paid to be looked at and criticized - think reality TV stars and Z-listers like Kim Kardashian. We need an outlet for all of this care and opinion but this isn't it; the celebrity cult is a sinister result of suppressing such an integral part of humanity. But we pretend not to have opinions and we pretend not to care because we're afraid - we're afraid of criticism, and we're afraid of vulnerability. The number of times I have been attacked - verbally, physically, in person, in the cybersphere - for my opinions is ridiculous; but I've got guts. And the number of times I have cared and been hurt because I care is heartbreaking, but I can't not care - if I do, I don't feel human. We have to be less afraid - and it's hard, in this dog-eat-dog world. But we have to stand up for ourselves, or we just become one of the crowd. When you can't tell the difference between you and everyone else on the street it's very hard to love yourself.
Loving yourself isn't about trying to be normal or perfect, or pretending that you don't care and don't have opinions. It's not about being something or doing something - it's about you, yourself, as you are. I love who I am, and it's not because I'm selfish, insecure, vain, or think that I am perfect and there is no room for improvement. But I have the ability to see what I can and can't do, to see what I am and what I'm not, and to love that. And even though self love is stigmatized and devalued by our society, you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you - so I'm not afraid to say that I love myself before anyone else. Do you?
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