Warning Signs: Paranoia

Now Playing: Falling by Florence + the Machines (I fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you)

So yesterday I talked about slipping back into depression...and it's not like you wake up and say 'Oh dear, I have depression again!'

I've been suspecting it for a little while now, which is why I've been blogging a lot and trying extra hard to be my bubbly cheery self. There were lots of warning signs.

The first: Paranoia.

Paranoia is a thought process heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. It's gut feeling on speed - hypersensitive intuition that...gets it wrong, most of the time. It's an overreaction to situations and to what people do, and a constant feeling of uneasiness even in the most safe, secure, pedestrian environments.

When I'm feeling paranoid on the way home from school, I don't read and listen to music like I normally do. I look behind my shoulder a lot, my eyes dart around a lot, and I'm normally holding something that could potentially deliver a pretty hefty thwack - an umbrella or a textbook. It's totally irrational because there are no creepy alleyways or seedy districts on my way home from school and I always get home before dark but...I only feel safe when I turn the key in the lock.

That's what I mean by paranoia.

The paranoia manifests when I talk to people, too. I'm one of those chick lit rom com girls who reads far too much into absolutely anything absolutely everyone says or does, but lately it's gotten a lot worse. I burst into tears over a funny look or a flippant remark before stopping and checking and realizing that I am being a total drama queen.

I'm naturally quite introverted and I'm always wary about people talking about me behind my back - which they do a lot, it seems. But sometimes I'll be on the bus and I swear to God that everyone's looking at me, and after a whole day of whispered conversations and a thousand different rumours I just wanted to scream. Right there. In broad daylight. On public transport.

I've never been very good at telling if people are lying or not. I mean, I have got instinct, but only it doesn't always kick in and it doesn't always work. When I'm being paranoid everyone's lying, everyone's being insincere. I just...I forget what the truth sounds like.

In a way this time is easier - easier? Not really. Depression never gets easier. But I remember going through this a few years back and getting really panicky about why I was so frightened and so...cynical all the time. It was one of the many warning signs that I missed.