"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Nerd and Slut: Part II

Now Playing: Tied Together With a Smile by Taylor Swift (you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone)

Note: In the below blog post (and just in general) I refer to any kind of interpersonal interaction as a 'relationship', but also something deeper/distinct from 'friendship' as a 'relationship'. I hope that's clear in the below text...as in a friendship is a relationship of sorts but differs from the generic discourse of 'relationship' (i.e. monogamous, romantic, sexual blah blah). I hope that makes sense. It's confused people in real life, but I guess I kind of assumed that people could gather as to whether I mean 'a relationship' or A RELATIONSHIP based on, ya know, context. Apparently not. 

So recently I posted about nerds and sluts and I realized that it was all past-tense.

I guess I should qualify that I was specifically talking about when I was in primary school, and in the first couple of years of high school.

So where am I at now?

Another similarity I've realized between the nerd and slut label - something that is frequently ignored or dismissed by other people - is that it's degrading to only be valued for just one element of the many crazy things that make you, you. I keep trying to tell people how humiliating it is that people only saw value in me because I was 'smart' - and people immediately rebuffed you the second you had a mind blank or a brain fart or one of those moments of epic ditziness (which happens to me ALL THE TIME). In the same way, it's also humiliating if people only like you because of your rack or your legs or your ass. BUT, I maintain that if someone genuinely likes you as a person, admiration for intelligence and/or mammary glands ain't exactly a bad thing. I mean, would you actually marry someone who says 'I LOVE your sense of humour and OH MY GOSH you're smart...but I hate your boobs'? No.

So people have often found no qualms in only talking to me about STUDY or HOMEWORK or ASSIGNMENTS...but thinking I'm a psycho just because one of my friends is kind of acting on hormones a bit.

In terms of labels it's definitely been better in high school than in primary school, but there is still a hierarchy - and surprise surprise, I'm still at the bottom. It's more fluid, though...I do have friends in all different social groups, but then again that is also met with some hostility.

Life. In general. Is just. Confusing.

I've been a nerd ever since I skipped a grade, but instead of the blatant bullying it was an odd kind of fascination - I remember some girls in year nine - especially the ones who were like physically bigger than me, or had clearly had more 'experience' than someone fresh out of primary school - treated me like a cross between a zoo animal and a little sister. Which I was kind of used to seeing as my own sister kind of treats me like that. :P Skipping a grade really helped because I felt like these people were more in sync with me - I'm no longer the best and I'm okay with that, honestly. I love the opportunities my peers have given me to live and learn and grow. I love the competitiveness but I also love the sense of family.

Lately the slut label is starting to emerge again but it's not altogether a bad thing...in that people think I'm really fucking weird for talking about feminism and sexuality, but it doesn't have any negative consequences aside from the general consensus of 'she's cool but she's too weird to date'. I just want to be open about who I am and not have to hide or lie or conform to some superficial arbitrary social standard, and sexuality is just a part of that. I mean, I'm becoming more open about other stuff too.

Like I really don't like chocolate.

And I really hate maths.

And I'm actually pretty easygoing but also very determined at the same time.

And I actually don't study that much. Really.

And I don't actually like coffee that much.

And my self esteem's not low enough to date you.

Part of it is just me becoming older and more mature and acting on my 'fuck society' instincts. Part of it is my active attempt to become fearless - talking about this stuff is still scary and uncomfortable, believe me, but I think it's important and so fuck it, I'm doing it! Another part is that this year I've made some friendships and had some experiences that have made me more comfortable with who I am and helped me figure out what I do and don't like, and what I am and am not willing to do...in all areas. Again, I don't spend all my time thinking about sex and I haven't suddenly become a sexual being overnight - I'm 'changing colour' but been too afraid to give you a progress report until RIGHT NOW. And it's just interesting to write about on my blog.

And, you know, sex sells :P.

In popular culture you read a lot about the 'pressure' to engage in risky or premature sexual behaviour, and to a certain extent that's true. Keep in mind that I go to an 'academic elite' (read: relatively tame but not entirely innocent) school, but I've found three different types of girls. The first type of girls are those who seem to have no hormones and no nerve endings, have never liked a guy, never want to be kissed or hold hands, and consider anything beyond first base to be OMFG IMMORALITY. They are actually the biggest pressure group. I had no desire to be a nun. I'm sixteen, dammit! The boy meets girl instinct has thoroughly kicked in.

The second type of girls are those who are still virgins, but are on first or second base as a kind of proof that they are desirable and capable of some action, but consider anything beyond what they've done to be kind of icky (but only in a girl. They don't care if boys fuck around). They were also a bit of a pressure group because they looked down on girls who were nbk and naive (me), but also on girls who are even just a little bit curious about what happens after the oh-so-tacky hickeys of second base (also me).

The third type of girls are a relative minority (at least in my school), but the ones who have been kind of beyond second base actually exert the least pressure - they're the girls that are the most understanding of both the convoluted guilts and desires of girls who haven't even made eye contact with guys, and are the most sympathetic to natural yet taboo curiosities.

So yeah. Sex pressure is there, but not like in Mean Girls.

I don't fully understand it, because it fosters in you this totally irrational and completely unnecessary fear that just because things haven't 'started yet' you're going to miss out on, I don't know, your fertility window or something - as if these things have a set time frame and if you're not kissed by fifteen you won't get married until fifty or some crazy illogical logic like that. Then I realized that it only took about forty minutes to go from total wallflower to second base. So early bloomer or late bloomer, what happens, happens, and the starting line doesn't determine the final result. I know, I know, totally unscientific, right? But I like screwing with the laws of physics occasionally.

I reject the idea that the physical stuff has to be a result of the emotional stuff or the emotional stuff has to cause the physical stuff or whatever - why must everything be cause and effect? I've realized that relationships are much more complicated than 'bf gf' or 'SINGLE FRIGID NUN FOREVER'. The truth is...relationships are confusing, and being a teenager is all about experimenting. The idea that you have to 'wait' until things are 'just right' is kind of like never ever sitting in the driving seat of a car until the day of your driving test. Shit's gonna happen, dude.

Another thing that girls (mostly girls) tend to do a lot is to see the physical stuff as a means to bribe or coerce or force the emotional stuff out of boys - acting on the presumption that boys ONLY like the physical stuff and girls ONLY like the emotional stuff. Using physical intimacy as a way to bribe or coerce things like commitment or a steady relationship or monogamy is just...really fucking weird to me. If a guy doesn't want to do that I highly doubt flashing him will forge any kind of contract with any kind of credibility. But as a result of this thinking, it doesn't ever occur to girls to enjoy the moment - they're always seeing the flowers or the commitment or the diamond ring as the 'reward'.

The sex positive movement asserts that the only thing required in any kind of 'sexy' or 'flirtatious' behaviour is informed mutual consent. I'm not doing anything illegal, and as far as I know I haven't drugged anyone and nobody's done anything to me whilst I was unconscious. Except, you know, slice me open and replace some batteries. But that's another story.

How is this related to the nerd slut thing?

Uhh...

I guess some of you (I'm guessing most of you don't care), as well as my friends, have gathered that I have admitted to losing nbk without acquiring a boyfriend. SLUT ALERT.

So...yeah, it's true. So what?

People probably think this is a bad idea, but it's only a bad idea if there was no communication. If he had said that it would lead to a relationship or I somehow thought that it would lead to a relationship then yeah, that would be bad because I would probably end up pretty hurt. We had all cards on the table and I was still okay. That's...just my choice, and nobody has the right to judge me.

And then people are like 'that's such a waste of a first kiss' or 'all you're going to remember of your first kiss was that it was meaningless'. Since when has the only time ANYTHING had meaning was when it was in a relationship? Are all my English awards and A grades meaningless because I was single when I got all of them? A kiss hardly means nothing, and my first kiss means everything to me. As for people who are saying 'that's such a bad first kiss', a 'bad first kiss' in my book is some horrible tangled mess of teeth and braces and tongues. That would have been a memorably bad first kiss.

And then people go on this spiel about 'if it wasn't so bad you'd tell us who it was'. Well...no. My own name isn't even on this blog, and besides, the reason why we're being secretive is because people will say what they will and life is complicated enough without misconceptions. Besides, if you don't know who it is I get to have so much fun fooling you into thinking I've snogged some super hot European underwear model or something...

... :P

So far only one person has fallen for that.

I know a lot of people think badly of me because I'm willing to do stuff without, I don't know, being married or something. Why? I wouldn't do anything that might potentially lead to babies or an STI without a committed monogamous relationship, but I don't see why you need to be tied down just to have a bit of fun. The important thing to me is that people that are close to me like me for what I have to say and my personality as well as any other physical stuff - just like I don't like friends who only like me for being smart but don't take the time to know me beyond my IQ points. When I flirt with people I'm not so superficial as to just hit on looks - we're all friends, you know, and I do like people beyond what they look like. But physical attraction has almost become a taboo, or at least something that's only acceptable in a 'relationship' - when in reality it's just a normal biological reaction and can be part of a friendship. I mean, just because there's physical attraction doesn't mean you're destined to be soulmates with somebody - God knows, I've been crazy attracted to some people with the full knowledge that if we ever went out we'd probably just spend all day yelling at each other about everything. Just because you think someone's cute doesn't necessarily mean you want to marry them then and there, but it shouldn't get in the way of a friendship - it's just kind of...part of a friendship. Once that's established I'm kind of open minded about flirting - I enjoy the moment and I'm open minded about where things 'might be heading'. You just wanna stay friends? Cool! You just want to talk about anything and everything and this is just a part of that? Great! You wanna try taking things to the next level? Sweet! You want a relationship? Awesome!

Can we cuddle now?

Seriously, I don't think it's right to have any hard and fast rules. The only thing that matters is that you're okay and I'm okay. Which is sometimes hard to judge and confusing and convoluted but hey, we're all human, and no two relationships, just like no two people, are exactly the same.

I guess many of you see this attitude as being too easy going and letting other people call the shots, but honestly, I love all kinds of relationships ranging from the most platonic friendships to the most intense relationships and everything in between. If two people like each other in any way - intellectually, emotionally, physically or a mix of all three - then the right kind of relationship will come into being as long as there's communication. A platonic friendship isn't a poor substitute for an intense relationship, they're just totally different things. If you have in your head the EXACT KIND OF PERSON and the EXACT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP you want, well, you're not going to get it and you're going to get frustrated and hurt. If you've fixed in your head what movies or books or society says is 'right', you're denying yourself a lot of opportunities and rejecting a lot of really amazing relationships with really amazing people. I'm just letting things go with the flow at the moment.

This doesn't mean I don't have standards or won't put my foot down when I feel I need to. God knows I've chucked my fair share of tantrums when I feel like people aren't listening to me or I'm not on the same page or if there's some misunderstanding or miscommunication.If someone's not willing to communicate, or the balance between give and take isn't working or whatever I can walk away. But instead of focusing on what society tells us is 'right' or 'wrong' about platonicity and sexuality, a relationship is between two people, and it's up to those two people to call the shots. Not me, not you, not society or the law. Just those two people.

We are becoming so far removed from the sexless courtship and the religious marriage and the suburban nuclear family of yesteryear, yet when a girl tries to have relationships with people that aren't RELATIONSHIPS or BOYFRIEND or EVENTUALLY GOING TO BE THE FATHER OF YOUR BABIES people just go bat shit crazy! Relationships are about exploring and when you're young is the time to do it. I'm sure I'll make my own mistakes, I'm sure I'll erroneously forge relationships with horrendously terrible assholes, but at the moment I'm happy with my relationships with all my friends. Its a lot of hard work, especially when you're me because I'm needy and selfish and crave human company but I constantly need solitude. But it's worth it.

I love you all so very very much.

P.S. I'm sorry if this was a bit convoluted. This was actually two blog post ideas I decided to hash into one. I'm not really sure why. ILY!

Click here for Part I and Part III

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