Now Playing: You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift (could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold)
Dysphoria is the most common symptom of depression: an intense feeling of discontent and indifference. But there's s a polar opposite: euphoria.
The hardest part of the day is recess and lunch - it just sets in, this horrible feeling that you can't describe, all these emotions that you can't explain, can't blame on one single thing or person. It's intense stress and restlessness and the edginess of being constantly on the verge of tears.
I go outside, I look at how deep blue the sky is and how warm the sun feels on my skin, the kiss of wind ruffling my hair. That's the worst part about being in hospital, to be honest. There's no warmth in that place.
But by the end of the day when everyone's tired and cranky I suddenly go mental. I spin around on the spot, bounce up and down, run down the corridors barefoot. I don't know where I get all my energy from, but it's more than that...I'm usually quite shy and insecure but in those moments I know I should care...but I don't...I laugh at everything and, in total reversal of the dysphoria where the slightest comment or gesture can push me over the edge...I don't care. About anything. And anyone.
It's a weird exaggerated manufacture of happiness but it has something in common with all the bad stuff, too - not caring, not being in control, not knowing when things start or finish or what will happen. It's becoming a rather disturbing theme, isn't it? This body, this mind, that I have no control over.
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