Now Playing: The Hardest Part by Coldplay (the hardest part was letting go not taking part, you really broke my heart)
As much as society perpetuates stigmatism and discrimination, we all feel the pressure of conformity whether we promote it or not.
I've become something of a free spirit - or I'm becoming one, anyway. I don't care if I look like a boy in a bright red parka and sneakers and boyfriend jeans that are WAY too big for me (I can slide them on and off without unbuttoning or unzipping...I don't know why I told you that...), I hate walking home freezing cold in a skirt that flies up in the wind and tights that do fuckall against rain and hail. I don't care if people look weirdly at my bright red shiny copy of Princesses & Pornstars. I don't care that my blog is a bit of a mind fuck.
The difference between me and someone who wouldn't dare talk about sex on the internet, or wouldn't wear anything that wasn't 'pretty' or 'feminine' (don't get me wrong, I love party dresses, just not in gale force winds), or wouldn't be caught dead reading a book with the word 'pornstars' on it is that I am beginning to accept that my thoughts and emotions and feelings and desires are normal, healthy, part of me and beautiful. I'm done with society, with religion, with conformity and stereotypes telling me that what I'm trying to say or how I feel is wrong, immoral, dirty and I should be punished for being...me.
I'm not totally immune - I still battle with body issues, low self esteem, and I'll admit it's pretty damn scary being open about all these taboo topics, and openly calling yourself a 'feminist' (which has basically become code for undesirable and unfuckable). But I'm a big believer in critical thinking, in challenging the norm, in being yourself. It's hard to say that you'd rather be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not, because if you're me...you're basically in for a lot of hate. But the love you do get is honest and accepting and tolerant and forgiving and sincere. And that makes it all worth it.
But a lot of people question people who go against the flow. It's a combination of admiration - it takes guts to be psycho! - and disgust, because a lot of these social norms and taboos are ingrained into people's personal moralities, and so they believe that they have a personal objection to my beliefs when they're just parroting whatever church/society told them without giving it much serious thought. Another funny attitude that people think is that I am somehow unaware of all these 'rules' and 'regulations', and that if I were enlightened I might adhere to them - which I just find fucking hilarious. My basic study of sociology, which I hope to continue after high school, and my observation of society around me...I think I understand these taboos and social mores better than most people, and knowledge is power - I have the power to say fuck it, I'm doing what I want.
So here are some of the things people say to me:
1. Stop using big words.
The English language is my first love and I happen to be rather good at English as a subject - if I do say so myself. I love being articulate, and so I'll never use big words for the hell of it (it sticks out like a sore phalange) but if I know of a word that helps me describe what I'm trying to say or how I think or feel, then I'll use it! I value communication above anything else, and if a pedestrian word doesn't cut it then I'll go a little highbrow. Also, I'm an English/lit student; if you don't use big words you get a lot of funny looks from your teachers who want you to 'make them work for their money' and 'know you can do better'. I have amazing teachers.
The reaction to this is mostly joking, but it also reflects peoples' attitudes towards 'nerds'; they're threatened by my command of my (only) language, and instead of improving themselves or improving things that they themselves are good at, they want to pull me down and make me feel bad for making them feel...bad. Like I'm to blame for their shame.
2. Pull your shirt up.
It's no secret that I like wearing low cut tops - it's nothing sexual or attention seeking, I just like the look, purely aesthetically. In the obscenely petty rules of primary school, buttoning up all your buttons - which is what my mother used to do to me when I was little and I never thought twice about it - was 'nerdy' but if you didn't button at least one or two of them you were 'slutty'. I was just...lazy and threw my shirts on in a hurry and couldn't give a toss about how many buttons were done up or not (if that's how you judge whether someone is a slut or an nerd then seriously, get a life) but I got a bit of crap for that in primary school. And now that I'm OLDER and OMG I HAVE BOOBS people are constantly telling me to pull my shirt up, or that my undershirt/singlet/bra is showing - which shows how not only how sexualized breasts are, but how sexualized *articles of clothing* have become. If you can see my bra, so what? I have no problem with people seeing it - it's pretty, after all, and it's JUST CLOTHES and it's not like I'm FLASHING MYSELF TO PASSING CARS ON THE FREEWAY. What's the difference between underwear and swimsuits other than the sexual generic discourse we associate with one but not necessarily the other?
3. Crude humour.
I love crude humour. I think it's funny and sexy and flirty and really a good way to open up and be comfortable around people and about yourself. Unfortunately I don't have a dick and people see this as a legit reason to discourage me from making or laughing at certain jokes.
4. Why do you keep talking to/flirting with/hugging that guy?
I have a very good friend who happens to be a guy who happens to be in another social group. The important part to me is that we're friends, but people place way too much emphasis on the other stuff. I don't know when we've all suddenly become all sex segregation but last time I checked it wasn't illegal to have conversations with guys; I think a lot of it is not because I'm a girl and he's a guy, but because of social differences - I've definitely been feeling the pressure to not get too friendly for some...unknown...reason...if someone wants to spend time with me I'm not going to let some newly-imposed feudal system get in the way of that. As for *flirting*...well, all I can say is that people are implying and making assumptions about a relationship that they don't really know about, and making everything overly sexualized and dramatic when it doesn't need to be. Besides, I'm just a naturally flirty person...it doesn't really mean anything other than a bit of fun, and I flirt with heaps of people and some people flirt back, but it's more of a social interaction than, I don't know...what people think...and anyway, what people consider flirting is not what I consider flirting - I call people 'sweetie' all the time, so just because I call a guy that doesn't mean we're married or anything.
I like hugging people! Seriously! I don't know why people are treating hugs like marriage proposals...for me it's not a big deal. I hug everyone - amongst us girls there's lots of hugs and walking with linked arms and etc. I'm used to being hugged a lot and I just like being close to people. Besides, it's gotten *really* cold lately and guys are *really* warm...so I guess I do have ulterior motives...:P
7. Swearing
I swear a lot...I take the Lord's name in vain, mostly because I don't have a Lord, and I say, ya know, the usual potty mouthed language of high school - shit, crap, fuck, dammit, etc. When I write I know my writing is also peppered with expletives.
Most of it is because I just think it's all semantics - the words itself aren't bad, just people make SUCH A HUGE DEAL out of what is just...expression. Sometimes anger needs words, just like love and happiness have words. Rejecting swear words is rejecting anger, and the need to release negative emotions.
I also hang out with a lot of boys, and boys swear a lot. It's a remnant of my brief time as a tomboy (I was a tomboy! Nobody believes me!)
I do draw a line to the c-word - it's horrible and offensive and no self-respecting woman calls anyone that. And for people who just think it's 'fun', I don't know, I don't really see slang for genitalia to be appropriate...terms of endearment...
Another thing is that swearing too much is just annoying and lacks culture, which is why I fucking don't fucking talk fucking like fucking this or fucking like fucking write fucking like fucking this fucking because fucking it's fucking lame...
6. This blog.
I don't discuss topics that teenage girls are meant to talk about. I don't even know what teenage girls are *meant* to talk about - I only know what I want to talk about. I talk about politics, controversial topics, social taboos - and some people don't like it. Fortunately for me these people are mostly high school popular kids and not educated academics and so the tirade of shit can be stopped with one three letter word: 'Why?'
They never know the answer to that.
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