trypanophobia.

I have a severe needle phobia, also known as trypanophobia.

Now, most people I know aren't too fond of needles and injections, but I'm the only person I know who is actually rendered catatonic.

If you really want to know, at the prospect of needles, or when someone sticks needles in their skin and makes me look, I just freeze. I clench up and I stare at nothing. If you talk to me I won't respond, although I can hear you. I flinch if you touch me and my hands are in fists and I'm shaking and crying.

Firstly, I just don't like the sensation of injections. For me it's unbearably painful, especially those cervical cancer shots we got in year seven. I have a very low pain threshold and whilst I'm very good at dealing with aches and pains I can't bear sharp stabbing pain. I hate the feeling of accidentally pricking myself with a needle and just anything to do with a needle touching or penetrating my skin makes me crawl.

Secondly, I associate injections and all of the stuff associated with injections with my many medical scares - moments of pain, fear, impending death. It's not something many teenagers have to think about on a regular basis, so people don't understand the depth of my fear of needles. Everything I hate about hospitals and surgeries and pain and fear is channeled into my fear of needles.

Thirdly, I was bullied a lot towards the last years of primary school, when people would take off their student councillor badges and corner me and stick them into my arms if I ever tried to stand up for myself, or if I threatened to dob them in for something, or if they wanted me to do something I didn't want to do. I would hide in the girls toilets as the boys stood just outside the door with their badges out. Once someone held my arm down as they put the needle of their badge through the first layer of skin on my finger.

Some people think it's funny to see my reaction when they stab themselves with needles, or threaten me with needles. Some people think I'm being attention seeking and try to 'correct' my reaction. I don't give a fuck what people think. This is my phobia, this is how I react. Show me some fucking respect.

So when I am catatonic, I remember that. I remember being five and frightened, in hospital for what I thought was the first time. I remember screaming in terror as half a grade came towards me with needles. I remember the dread and pain of all those shots we got in year twelve. I remember the countless health scares, the time when I staggered into mum's bedroom and screamed in pain as a recently snapped lead from my pacemaker lodged into my muscles. I remember my surgery two years ago, hugging dad and not having that surety that I would see him again, thinking I was going to die of a morphine headache, the pain and immobility after the surgery. These are not pleasant memories to relive, and none of you have got anything on that.

So don't tell me I'm overreacting. I am not fucking overreacting. I've been through things you can't even begin to comprehend. Yes. I'm terrified of needles. I have good reason to be.