Now Playing: Close Every Door by Ryan Bunney (click here)
It's weird how modern society is terrified of emotional attachment. I guess it goes along with the cartharsis and apathy and all round anaesthetic effect of modern society these days, but it's still very sad, and I think it reflects in the tenuous and fragile nature of friendships these days, as well as high divorce rates and other domestic issues. We keep people at arms length, we don't let them in, we're so afraid to fall that we never move mountains with someone special.
Humans...are social animals. It is the core of human psychology; introvert or extrovert, a loner or everyone's best friend, we rely so heavily on others just to get through the day. Humans are entirely dependent on their families for years and years and years; why do you think we are the only animals to do that? I don't know of any human baby who's able to go of on their own at the ripe old age of eighteen months. We have evolved to become dependent.
Which might sound funny, coming from the girl who has openly confessed to growing up, essentially, alone; working alone, playing alone, spending a lot of time in my own company. But I felt like I was more or less forced to do that; I couldn't get along with other people no matter how hard I tried, and I couldn't work with people who wouldn't or couldn't think along the same wavelengths as I do. I couldn't form the kind of friendships, the kind of relationships, that I wanted, and every day I craved it more than any drug addict could possibly crave anything.
I don't do things halfway. I hate a lot of people. I hate them so much that I burst into tears at the thought of them; I can taste the rage, bitter at the back of my tongue. Conversely, I love a lot of people, too. There are some people who mean the world to me, people I would do anything for. And, for the most part, both have been rather one sided. Nobody really...feels the way I feel. Passion. Emotion. Intensity. It's all rather alien to the high school chums and bored suburbia inmates I live with.
Which is rather strange, considering that most pop culture idols manipulate this; they show the emotion that we refuse to let ourselves even dream of. Think about it! Katy Perry, Taylor Swift...you don't think of them this way, because they are buying in to the fickle whims of the masses. But they do that by channelling emotion. Trust me.
Until quite recently I'd never met someone as interested in people as I am. I've become rather...paranoid. I'm always afraid of pushing things too far. I've never understood words like 'too much' or 'enough'. How can you have too much of a good thing?
People completely unaffected by the hypocrisies of morality and religion, like me, live for the sensory pleasures; the aesthetics of things. Which is not to say I won't look twice in anyone's direction if they aren't topless and showing of a six pack, because that's not what I mean by aesthetic or sensory. It's hard to explain without sounding incredibly corny...but I don't know. The indulgence. The experience, the sheer luxury and selfishness of it, getting lost in a touch, or a taste, or just a particularly heady emotion. It's why I love food, and clothes, and boys. There's nothing shallow about it at all; in fact, the people who can find genuine pleasure in intimacy, or even something substantially less dramatic like immersing yourself in a really good book, are the only people who truly live. Living in the moment. All I have is now.
It is incredibly vulnerable, to open yourself up to this kind of sensory overload. Bad things happen, when you're lost in the moment; and believe me, I know. But I am the kind of person who can't help themselves; I dive in without thinking too much about consequences. Which is, you know, good and bad...but I'm never really content with just 'okay'...
I've become rather altruistic. I extract so much joy out of a smile, a little sigh of contentment, doing people favours. Not with everyone, I'm still rather self-centered, but there are a few...I'd smile at them even if I were burning on a pyre. I guess I've gotten used to giving and receiving nothing in return, even if the tables have turned on that somewhat.
So go on. Be brave. I challenge you. Don't be afraid to let someone in; it's scary and dangerous and reckless, but it's the only way you can really be close to someone; as a friend, or otherwise. Be fearless.
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