living without regrets.

Now Playing: Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine (it's always darkest before the dawn...and I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't...)

One of the hardest things I've had to balance in my life is my desire to live without regrets and an intrinsic recklessness, somewhat exacerbated by, ya'know...being a teenager...

Being reckless is freedom. It's the bliss of freefall, without knowing or caring about the consequences. I live in the moment, now is beautiful. I am so addicted to the rush I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, come what may.

It's hard to not have regrets when you're constantly doing things against the status quo; every single day, it seems, I break some kind of taboo. But that's okay, you know? Because I have this miraculous thing called a conscience, as tenuous and irreligious as it is, and I've never done anything that went entirely against it. I believe in things, like feminine intuition and gut instinct. They haven't really failed me, not yet. Touch wood.

If you're afraid to live you're never truly alive. You'll never be loved, or be happy, if you're afraid to get hurt. I don't want to miss out on anything; I want those experiences, those feelings, those thoughts, but I also want to look back at them and smile, without a twinge of guilt or regret. I want people to teach me things, tell me things, without fear that I'll run screaming. The best experiences of my life have been done in a moment of bravado, a rush of headstrong fearlessness. I've missed out on so much by being shy, insecure, scared.

Granted, this might be the exact same thinking that sent Catherine Howard to the block, but it's human nature! It's beautiful. When I was little I would spin round and around and around until I nearly threw up my guts. But it didn't matter how vile I felt afterwards, I'd be back up as soon as the vertigo was over and spinning again. Then, I figured that if I just kept spinning and never stopped, I'd never be sick. So I'm still spinning, folks, I'm still spinning. 

When I was thirteen I felt so cheated, so taken advantage of. Nothing even happened, not really, but I had walked into traps and blindly given more than any little girl should ever give emotionally; I was so emotionally drained by what happened it took me so long to crawl away. I'll never let myself get into that position ever again. Everything I do is tempered with the bitterness of reality; everything I try or say, I have to have the upper hand. I think I've finally worked out how to be vulnerable without getting burned. 

That being said, I've never really been very good at stepping back, saying no, refusing something on principle. I am ruled almost entirely by emotion, by irrationality, by desire, and I've gotten into a lot of scrapes. You'd think that people would be less inclined to take advantage of a little girl like me, but even little girls have to wear armour it seems, these days. 

But I regret nothing. Even the things that have cut deep and left a scar, if I could go back I would do it all again. I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't treat anyone differently. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and, in the end, I have faith that I'll get what I want. Somehow.