A Streetcar Named Desire

Now Playing: Born to Die by Lana Del Rey (come and take a walk on the wild side, let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls insane)

Lately I think I've been giving people the impression of being a bad feminist.

Which is true, in a sense. I am ruled far too much by my heart, by my emotions; by hormones, if you will - I am sure it will pass. I was a very clear-headed child.

For some reason people confuse gender equality, and feminism, with a complete lack of interest or respect for masculinity. I've always liked the kind of buff, somewhat crass guys. I've liked guys with a brain, guys who exude character and charisma. And as much as I like the dark French poetry type, and as much as I love boys who walk curbside and open doors for you, I don't really like girls who seem to think that just because women can vote men have to become doormats and slaves to your every whim. I've neve really been impressed by wimpy, shrimpy guys. It's just not part of evolution. I like a guy who can assert himself, to say what he likes and to act on impulse a little. I think a lot of men dislike the concept of feminism because they feel like it's robbing them of their right to be, well, men. That really shouldn't be the case.

People often use this against me. 'I thought you were a feminist' has become almost as common as 'what do you mean, you're not good at maths?' and the many, many variations of my name. For the love of peace, people, I'm sixteen! I'm ruled almost entirely by hormones. I'm a woman; I like men. Nice guys finish last because nice guys are too afraid to get what they want and make an offer I can't refuse. Feminist or not, it's, um...kind of a fact of life.

Which is why I like Stanley Kowalski. In English we're reading A Streetcar Named Desire, and I immediately grabbed the role of Stella. I love Stella. I can relate to Stella. I can relate to being so crazy in love you'll pretty much let anything slide. I'm not saying that's a good or bad thing, or a good or bad feminist thing, that's just human nature. I'm not condoning domestic violence or rape. Stanley Kowalski is a seriously flawed character. If I met Stanley in real life, I'd probably be attracted to him - MARLON FREAKING BRANDO, PEOPLE - but then I'd be put off by his chauvinism, like any modern girl would be. But out of Blanche and Stanley, Blanche has deeper flaws - which is a highbrow way of saying she's a pain in the ass and seriously, seriously annoying. If Stanley Kowalski had one redeeming quality it would be his honesty; he doesn't hide who he is. Stella knows exactly who he is, and what she's getting into. Blanche is all lies, all lies, and I couldn't stand that in anybody. I love Stella and Stanley; their honesty, their passion, their total acceptance of each other. I love the intensity and crazy attraction between them. It's like Kiss With a Fist. It's the sort of thing I would love to have.

People are only distant because it's a social requirement. When I'm with people I really know and I'm not around people who are quick to judge and even quicker to spread a nasty word I can be really fearless. I hate how I constantly have to fight everything I want to do because it isn't okay for me to be dependent on anyone; it isn't okay to not want to be alone. Love isn't an accident; you have to go out there and make it happen - and I don't know what's wrong with that. If you want something, you have to go and get it; what is the point of waiting for some freak accident or act of God? I don't understand people who keep lovers at arms length, who constantly require space, space and more space. I don't mean lovers should be joined at the hip and be considered two halves of a whole rather than two separate people, but I always need that emotional attachment. I am so afraid of being perceived, by people I know, as being...I don't know, human. Human, that's the word. Because we're all clingy, and we shouldn't be afraid of it. It should be an honour, and a privilege, to be needed, and wanted. To be the kind of person people love and trust completely. Why do we abuse that? Since when has it been such a bad thing to care for someone, and to show them how much you care? When people want what they don't have, they're picked on for being jealous. When people have it, it's all okay. It's the other person that makes everything fine; we need another person to justify human impulse. I hate that. It doesn't matter who I am or who I'm with, what I want doesn't change. When you love someone, you lay your dreams at their feet. All you can ask is that they tread softly.     

I am impossible to weird out. People can tell me anything, say anything, and even if I'm freaked out at first I can handle anything people throw my way. I don't judge, I try so hard to never, ever judge people for being who they are. I am the last person in the world to complain someone is becoming too attached; unless they're actually physically following me. I don't mind emotional attachment, because I think we're all like that; I am, anyway, and I'm not a hypocrite. The only time I'll be bitingly cynical, and utterly unsympathetic is when they're full of shit; when they put on a charade and are too scared to pull off the mask. When they pretend to be something they're not and pick on you like they have some kind of moral highground. People look down on me because I am all too eager to drop pretences. For me it's a straitjacket, a cage, and I'm hunting for the key; for other people it is the glue that holds them together.

I have nothing but the highest respect for human nature. But if there's one thing I've learned, in psychology, from just being in high school or even just in the world we live in, we are distorted by normative influence, so heavily affected by he said, she said. I love it when people genuinely don't give a shit; when people say 'who cares!', snatch my hand and dance in the rain with me. If someone could just do that, I would be happy.