Fearless.

"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one’s actions, courage that could be described as ‘grace under pressure’ - grace which is renewed repeatedly in the face of harsh, unremitting pressure."

- Aung San Suu Kyi

The hardest thing in the world is to be yourself. 

For a long time I have struggled like many other girls have struggled: with body issues, and a deep, unsettling insecurity. This has been compounded, hugely, by my struggles with my weight, and with depression and bullying.

I'm not saying that my whole life has been gloom and doom. I am immensely thankful for everything that I have. But it hasn't always been easy. I've been bullied pretty much continuously throughout my entire schooling career, and when I was in my early teens I became very depressed and put on a lot of weight. My weight is now under control and I haven't lapsed back into depression, but the pressure is sometimes hard to take, and it shows. I have the most horrible mood swings, I can hardly stand it. I swing from deliriously happy to completely, heartbreakingly crushed; if I'm in the middle I'm not just mildly happy or indifferent, I'm just numb.

Bullying is normally advertised as something big and dramatic; and in some cases, it is. But bullying can be very subtle, too - the kind of psychological mind-fuck that can make you completely break down in a fit of paranoia. I started believing that I wasn't good enough, never good enough, once it had been kicked in hard enough. 

Earlier this year I made a promise to myself to just be who I am; to be fearless. I was tired of pretending; a charade of perfection is exhausting. I was tired of people loving me for something that I wasn't, and running away when they realized that there's more to me than meets the eye. It is the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done, and I feel so incredibly vulnerable and insecure and paranoid. I lapse, constantly, but I've kept doggedly at it; I am me, I always have to me. And, in a way, it's paid off. For the first time in my life I feel like I have friends who really understand me, who love me for who I am, who don't get freaked out and realize that I don't get freaked out too easily, either. Some things have worked out that would never have worked out if I hadn't had the courage to put my foot down, to say what I think, and to talk about things that are hard. I'm not afraid of losing people because of who I am anymore, because once you get into that position you've lost them anyway.    

The people who know me know that I don't like to lose; there is nothing worse, to me, than defeat, having to concede that someone else is better than me, and letting them take my place. Because it just sends me spiralling out of control. For a long time my only source of comfort was winning, coming top, being the best, exacting revenge. For a long time I believed what people said; that I'd be lucky to make friends or to get a relationship. That people are doing me a favour by spending time with me. It is strange to have someone say the complete opposite, and even stranger still to believe them. It's people like that who give me the strength to keep going. Things haven't entirely worked out in my favour, but some things are better than I ever thought possible.

I don't think anything in the world could have prepared me for the ups and downs of this year. But I feel like I've grown up a lot. I don't regret things anymore, I'm not afraid of things anymore. I'm okay, I'll be okay. Thank you.