"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

love and other animals.

Now Playing: Someone Like You by Adele (never mind, I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you.)

I must tell you that I'm not in love. But sometimes I feel like I'll never be in love again.

I have spent a great deal of my teenage years being angry. Being jealous. High school is the one place where each and every day you're confronted with every boy you have ever loved, ever girl you have ever fought with, every missed opportunity, every time you've tried and failed. I made a list of things to do, to conquer, and one by one I could tick them off. They were all personal goals, doable goals, things that only failed because I didn't try hard enough.

Love isn't like that.

I'm not one of those girls who makes their lives revolve around love. I'm not one of those girls who judges herself how other people, how boys judge me. High school has been reckless and exhilarating and I've achieved so much, I've done so much, I've learned so much. I've become someone people can talk to, learn from, have fun with, appreciate and respect as a person with something intelligent to say. I wouldn't throw that all away for a little high school romance but, you know...it couldn't hurt to have it all...

I loved someone for a very long time. I don't really know when I fell out of love, but it happened, at some point. This person has hurt me beyond belief and I've cried myself to sleep too many times over him, and I've walked away from it more than once.

But then, almost entirely separate from all of that, this person is a wonderful friend. It is wonderful to have someone who is your equal; someone you can talk to, argue with, say anything to. Someone who smiles when you smiles. I've never been able to talk to someone about all the things we talk about, not so candidly and honestly; I've never in my life had someone willing to chat about the most randomest crap in the world. Nobody's ever said that I was wrong, or that I have bad taste or that something could be done this way and not that way; nobody's ever said that I'm pretty, and made me feel like I deserve the world. I love being myself, and I love it when people are just being themselves. Sometimes he lets me down, it's true. But it is nice to have one person you know won't judge you in a world that is so very judgemental. 

Girls are brought up with the firm idea that attraction is for the sole purpose of finding The One and then getting to all that happily ever after business. We do things with so much calculation, so much careful architecture, so many expectations and hopes and prayers, and then we either buckle under the pressure or cry when things come undone. Why do we see attraction as a means to an end? It's quite tragic, really, but that's certainly how it was for me, for a long time. Let's just say that I've unlearned a few lessons, and I've done a few things for the hell of it. And it's very...liberating. I'm all for living in the now; now is beautiful. 

I know many people think that I give out too many chances, that I'm blinded by love and all of that. The first part of that is probably true; the second part is definitely not. I've been in love before, but just because you're in love doesn't mean that there aren't any dealbreakers. Friends, lovers, mortal enemies...there are always dealbreakers, no matter how deep you let yourself fall. If that weren't the case, I'd still be friends with a certain person, and ask anyone, K and I are not exactly best buddies at the moment. I said I'm reckless, not stupid.

It's strange when you become friends with someone you realize that, maybe, that's enough, as far as you and he and we are concerned. I look back and I realize that I was never really attracted to most of the boys I 'liked', back in the day; I just wanted someone to talk to, someone to be close to. When you have that, it dampens the blow a little. Friendship makes you fall out of love, sometimes, in a good way, for all the right reasons.

It's very very defeating, you know. I've lost faith. I realized, last year, at the ripe old age of fifteen, that I fall in love knowing that nothing will come of it. Tragic, isn't it? All I've known is disappointment, of having to swallow my pride and watch whilst I get passed over for other people and, as cruel as it sounds, this time is no different; the only difference is that this time someone bothered to be nice about it - which is a big difference, and something that I'm thankful for. Seriously.

I wouldn't say that nothing came out of it. I won't lie; I was all for a relationship, but that's not going to happen and that's okay. I have no regrets. I have a friend who I love dearly, and even though now I feel so defeated by the prospect of love and other animals, one day...I'll find someone like you.

So don't worry about me. Go chase the girl of your dreams, and I'll be here to talk about Coldplay and economics and anything else you want to talk about. You're not the guy of my dreams, but you were pretty damn close. I'll watch but I won't be waiting.

I'm okay. I'll be okay.

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