"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Saturday, May 05, 2012

my mother.

Now Playing: 'Fix You' by Coldplay

I love my mother twice as much as anyone else I have ever loved in my entire life. I will always love my mother above anyone else.

I was raised by a working-class woman; and people judge her for that, all the time. I know people think that my mother put her career ahead of me when she put my sister and I in daycare when we were just a few months old. I know that I have sometimes resented that she never read to me, sometimes she wasn't home when I needed her, that my mother would only very rarely do the other things other mothers did at school. That was when I was younger, and much more selfish. And I believed what some of those housewives said.

It is only very recently that we would have been considered reasonably well off. I grew up in a school full of posh white kids who treated me and my old-fashioned, hand-me-down clothes like dirt. But even though I would have liked to have been a pretty white kid with fluffly blonde curls, playing in a nice house with flashy toys and an indulgent mother who devoted all her time and energy to her kids, nothing and nobody can replace my mother. She is my mentor, my teacher, my sister and my best friend. 

I don't have anything against housewives. I wouldn't mind being one for a few years. But you can't claim that my mother hasn't done everything she could for me. My mother is a true modern woman; but she is first and foremost my mother, and I don't think people respect that enough.

My mother gave up raising her own children by herself so that she could make ends meet. My mother has made great sacrifices in her career for us, and for that, I love her. Although she has always worked full time and I've often felt lonely without a constant, domestic presence, I've never doubted that she would do anything for us.

My mother is my greatest inspiration. She is the most loving person I know. She is the only person I have ever loved that has loved me back, equally and unconditionally. When I was little, she would tell me every day that no matter what she or I did or said, she would always love me. Nobody else has ever said that to me. Even when we fight, when we shout at each other and don't look each other in the eye, I always know that she loves me.

I am much closer to my mother than most girls my age. My mother is the most intelligent and funny person I know. She's someone I can really talk to, and she instilled in me a great admiration for intelligence and intellectual equality. She's not afraid to let her hair down; and for that, I love her. She's fearless. She doesn't care if she looks like a woman who's only had two hours sleep, because that's who she is, and she is supremely confident that her husband and children love her despite the superficial details. 

I've learned a lot from my mother, and from her mistakes and regrets. It's because of her I am devoted to giving myself the best education, and seeking new opportunities, reaching new heights. My teachers accuse me of obsessing over marks and being overly ambitious, but it's for my mother. I don't want to let her down. I know my mother is incredibly proud of me; and I want to do her pride justice. 

My mother has reached a crossroads in her life, and in her career. It's a turning point for her as a careerwoman, as a wife and as a mother. And I will support anything she does, from the bottom of my heart, regardless of the consequences. Because I remember, always, that she said that she would love me despite anything I said or did. And I will return the favour.

I love you, mummy. Remember that. This is your choice, because this is your life. And whatever you do or choose, I will love you, always. Whatever happens.  

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