Now Playing: 'Boyfriend' by Justin Bieber

Oh, man, I'm gonna get so much crap for talking about Justin Bieber...

I used to be a Belieber, I'll admit it. Back when it wasn't creepy to have a sounds-like-a-twelve-year-old-girl boy singing in your ear. Because all the boys I knew were like that.

Boyfriend is reallllllllly catchy. It's not music genius, but it's fun. Music should be fun, right?

The music video, however, is the world's biggest mindfuck.

I do not understand for the life of me how Justin Bieber can look so young. I mean, I know he isn't the most macho guy out there, but seriously, I can look more manly than that. Makeup, baby, makeup.

And why can't he wear normal clothes? Seriously. He looks like an eight year old trying to be 50 Cent. 

So the Boyfriend video starts with, essentially, porn. Made a lot creepier by Justin's baby face. But it's kind of artsy and cute.

Then they change their mind, scrap that, and decide that it's the girls who have to take their clothes off, not The Bieber.

And so he's doing doughnuts (???), and feeling up sluts; that is, essentially, the whole video. Teenage boys look like five year olds getting charged with reckless driving. And not just any sluts - politically correct sluts, because even though he's trying (and failing) to be black they've decided he has to 'blow money' on every single ethnicity in existence. Which is a little weird seeing as a) he looks like a goody goody Christian kid b) he is a goody goody Christian kid and c) that ain't what goody goody Christian kids do. 

Cue really awkward gangsta dancing, and explicit closeups of bums and Justin staring at racks (I'm sorry, but *all* you can think about is breastfeeding) and random PDAs..

I don't even know what market he's trying to buy into. It's obviously not PG enough for that kind of crazy, Twihard, psycho pre-teen, but once you hang out with guys with broken voices and subtle stubble Justin Bieber kinda loses all his appeal.

I don't know. It seems like such a waste. He is pretty good looking and his music is pretty catchy. But they're marketing it all wrong. And it's screwing with my head.