"I don't think that being a strong person is about ignoring your emotions and fighting your feelings. Putting on a brave face doesn't mean you're a brave person. That's why everybody in my life knows everything that I'm going through. I can't hide anything from them. People need to realise that being open isn't the same as being weak."

- Taylor Swift

Sunday, May 20, 2012


Respect is much like love. One cannot exist without the other, and both cannot exist unless they are two-way streets.

There are things that you will never understand - about me, yourself, about life and love. You have never respected me, you have never been taught to respect someone like me, it has never occurred to you that you ought to respect me. When you lose your respect for people you feel you ought to respect, you take it out on me. I could have been there to comfort and sympathise with you, but I deserve better than to just be someone you can vent your anger on. Everything nice you say about me you say to other people; to my face when you are not angry you are indifferent. You blow the most trivial things into the most ridiculous proportions, you jump to conclusions and lose your temper at even the prospect of anything not going entirely your way. You would not do that to someone you truly loved and respected. And because of that, I cannot respect you. You cannot respect someone who has hurt you so deeply and thinks nothing of it. It is not your right to do all that you have done to me. It is no excuse that you don't understand what you do, or that you would not be hurt if you were in my position, because it is I who is in this position and it is me that is always getting hurt.

When I was younger you were my world. I wanted to talk to you, get to know you, learn to love and respect you. I wanted you to talk to me, so we could have an understanding, that I would never doubt your love and respect for me even when things got difficult between us. But you were always telling me to be quiet. Why can't you understand? I need to talk, and you were the person I needed to talk to most of all. I have been raised by other people, and those people taught me to talk and to argue and to have my own opinions and stand my ground and I know no other way. Other people have accepted that, and love me for it. I have never had the assurance that you will always be there for me no matter what. I doubt you and your love every day. Even when you smile at me, try and talk to me, all I can remember of you is your temper, and how  you never apologise for it. Some nights I wake in fear because I think I hear you yelling. You have mistaken fear for respect and drilled it into me. I cannot love or respect someone I am so afraid of. 

I am sorry I have failed you. I am sorry I am not all that you think I should be.

And so now I am quiet. My life is my own. I have nothing to say to you. I am grateful for what you have given and all you have sacrificed, and my admiration for you remains unchanged, but I have learned that I have to share my secrets, my joys, my fears, with other people, and one day I'll find someone to love as much as I wanted to love you. I am quiet, just as you always wanted.

We are flesh and blood, but no more.      

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